Ink & Paper

Saturday, March 05, 2005

So some doofus (possibly Jeff) put a comment up saying that if I buy a truck, I'll be able to drive around with all my animal carcasses in the back, thus implying (or stating outright, cause he is about as blunt as a 2x4) that eating animals is wrong. In fact, this "person" even went so far as to call me a murderer. Well, I am only picking on this "person" because I know (s)he can take it. So here is what I think of you associating truck owners with carnivores.

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Great letter from Lloyd Axworthy to Condi Rice. Good on ya Lloyd!

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Jeff's Dream Car.

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Good news! Megan has accepted a physio position in Red Deer, starting in late May of this year. It looks like a great job and we are really excited about it. Plus we get to experience all that wacky weather that hammers Red Deer every so often. So that is the big news of the day and now we only have to find a place to live. Oh and Jay has to get a job when he comes back. Oh and then maybe buy himself a truck. What's that? Oh yeah, the wedding. This is looking like a busy busy year....

PS- Megan I am very proud of you and love you more than you know. Awwwww......

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So as I am reading the news this morning, I come across the interesting tidbit of information regarding the freeing an Italian hostage in Iraq. This woman survives being kidnapped, threatened with death, paraded in front of a camera, and god knows what else, only to be rescued by Italian secret service agents. Then, as they are getting her the hell out of there, they are fired upon by US troops, wounding her and killing one of the agents. Of course, the US is saying they will do a full investigation, but Christ, c'mon. I mean, what ever happened to communication between allies? BBC

The war is unpopular in Italy, as it is in many Europeon countries. Italy has already had a number of civilians kidnapped in Iraq, and also has troops stationed there. I would think that the needless, friendly-fire death of one of it's secret agents is really gonna blow up in the government's face. Will be interesting to see if this death affects the direction of Italian support for the US.

Not too much to say about the deaths of the four young RCMP officers except that it is a terrible waste. I will say this though, and I don't mean to be callous, but I am betting that the Canadian media will drag this tragedy out for a long time, much like they did with the soldiers that died in Afghanistan. For sure a full investigation is needed and answers must be found, but we must also remember that their families will probably want some closure and that to drag it out like was done with the soldiers is only going to make it worse. Finid out what happened, get the answers, mourn the losses, and then move on as best one can. Easier said than done, and I'm not sure my opinion should count for anything, but it's just a thought....

Ok, enough with death and onwards to the past. Where were you when this was happening? What scares me is that I have a decent memory of this whole debacle, which must mean that I am getting older. Sigh. What an embarassment to Canada this story was. Worse than Cherry, but only by a little.

Under the banner "Excellent Career Moves" one should be happy for Ryan Vikedal, as he was fired by Nickelback in January. Lucky for him, I say. Vikedal was the only member of the band who I had any morsel of respect for, and only because he was the drummer on Corb Lund's wicked CD 5 Dollar Bill. Now I have way more respect for him, as he is free to stop being a corporate whore.

Imagined conversation....

Chad Kroeger, lead singer: (Playing with his Jesus hair) "Uh, Ryan, you're fired. Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, you see, your drumming is too good for us. We're, well actually the record company, thinks that because you're better than us, you may elevate our music from the lowest common denom....uh, denim...., dammit, uh, devo.... the lowest level that we are trying to shoot for. (Breaks into terrible Eddie Vedder imitation for no reason, starts singing "Jeremy" horribly off key) Where was I? Oh right, like, we appeal to beer drinking inbreds, and your drumming is too good for them. That's what the record label says."

Ryan Vikedal: (looking at Kroeger, who is vainly looking for crucifix marks on his palms) "Is that so, Chadbert? Eat lead (pulling out Corb Lund's awesome country and western double barrel shotgun). BOOOOOM!

And thus everyone was happy, as Vikedal went off to make wicked tunes with Lund, while Nickelback faded into obscurity and were quickly replaced by another Pearl Jam wannabe band named Leaving Juneau.

Man, my imagined conversations rule, although a lot of them seem to end with Chad Kroeger getting his face blown off by some form of weaponry. Oh well, my shrink can figure that one out.

And from the "Extreme Teacher Burn Out" file, please read this and remember all those stupid things you did when you were in junior high. Man if I had a dollar for everytime Mrs. Hess or Mr. Rouleau threatened me with a knife......

Until later, l'il dudes....

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Friday, March 04, 2005

"Oh these next five months of house arrest are gonna be so hard on my 150+ acre mansion, woe is me, woe is Martha..."

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Ok, who hasn't honestly thought of doing this at least once? Be honest.....

I've also installed a countdown timer on my laptop, so now I know exactly how long it is until my plane takes off for Canada in April.

Current time remaining as of this post: 40 days, 8 hours, 40 minutes, 23 seconds.....

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Thanks to Lindsay for this all-too-realistic fake coin....

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From the NY Times
New Poll Finds Bush Priorities Are Out of Step With Americans

Americans say President Bush does not share the priorities of most of the country on either domestic or foreign issues, are increasingly resistant to his proposal to revamp Social Security and say they are uneasy with Mr. Bush's ability to make the right decisions about the retirement program, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll......The poll underscores just how little headway Mr. Bush has made in his effort to build popular support as his proposal for overhauling Social Security struggles to gain footing in Congress.....The poll was the first conducted by The Times and CBS News since the president's inauguration. It comes after six hectic weeks for the administration, in which Mr. Bush has witnessed successful elections in Iraq - which he hailed as validation of his decision to remove Saddam Hussein - but also the toughest period he has encountered on Capitol Hill, as he has struggled to win support for the signature proposal of his second term......Still, 42 percent now say that Mr. Bush would have been better off trying to counter the threat of North Korea before invading Iraq, compared with 45 percent who think Mr. Bush was correct to focus first on Iraq.....More broadly, the poll suggests that Mr. Bush is in a problematic position as he enters a second term intent on pushing an extraordinarily assertive agenda through Congress.....Four months after Mr. Bush won a solid re-election over Senator John Kerry, 63 percent of respondents say the president has different priorities on domestic issues than most Americans. Asked to choose among five domestic issues facing the country, respondents rated Social Security third, behind jobs and health care. And nearly 50 percent said Democrats were more likely to make the right decisions about Social Security, compared with 31 percent who said the same thing about Republicans......And Mr. Bush does not appear to be much more in step with the nation on what the White House has long viewed as his strong suit: 58 percent of respondents said the White House did not share the foreign affairs priorities of most Americans.....For all that, Mr. Bush's approval rating remains unchanged, at 49 percent, from a month ago, suggesting that the disagreement with Mr. Bush's ideas has yet to take a toll on America's view of him.

A little bit of buyer's remorse, perhaps?

And in other time-wasting, pointless news, Martha Stewart got out of prison the other day....

Ms Stewart left prison in a sports utility vehicle, which took her to a private jet. A two-vehicle motorcade sped her out of prison in Alderson, West Virginia, in the early hours of the morning to a nearby airstrip, where supporters cheered her on as she boarded the plane.

....She will spend the next five months on home confinement at her 153-acre estate in Katonah, N.Y.
A sport utility vehicle carrying Stewart drove through the prison gate past reporters and about 15 fans without stopping. (
Ed Note: HA HA. LOSERS!) About a 1/2 mile from the prison a cardboard sign said, "Goodbye Martha. From fans and friends in Alderson, W.Va." .....Keith Bennett braved the 16-degree temperature to see Stewart leave. "I don't care about any of her stuff at Kmart or her flowers, I just think she's hot for her age," said Bennett, 43, of nearby Ronceverte. Drudge Report

Firstly, she had it easy in prison; by all accounts she was housed seperately in a 'cottage' for the whole time, instead of with the general population. She was in a low-security setting, which is pretty much like a run down hotel. Boo-hoo. And five months, that was all she was there for, five months for trying to add a cherry to the top of her enourmous empire. Now she has another 5 months of "house arrest." Yea, that's gonna be murder, 5 months hanging out in your mansion....
And, as mentioned above, she had a private plane pick her up. "Enough of this hanging out with the commoners, bring me my private jet!" And people, 'supporters' cheered her on as she got on the plane.

"Oh Martha, thank god you are ok! I have been trying to rearrange my flowers, but without you I am totally lost!"

"Martha, dear, thank goodness you're out. I was at my wits end trying to think up a new desert to have ready for my husband when he comes home from the office."

Give me a break. Don't you people have a life? Is Martha Stewart that important to you that you take a day off of work and see her off? Do you think she actually gives a rat's ass about you? Evidently not as she sped past you without stopping, probably with her middle finger obscured by the tinted windows. And to the guy who showed up because 'she's hot for her age...' You are not funny, stop trying. And to the rest: You are pathetic, weak, useless people and I hate you all. Go die now.

Ok, maybe a little over the top, but these are the mothers of the losers that at lining the streets outseide of Jacko's trial.

In news that matters, Matt Good wrote a really wonderful piece on the war in Iraq. I urge you to go read it via the link on the left hand side of my page.

More to come as I waste my Friday.....

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Thursday, March 03, 2005

"By 2020, the number of deaths and injuries from war and violence will overtake the numbers of deaths caused by killer diseases such as malaria and measles."


I am going to restructure some of the links on the blog in the next few days, so if things go all sideways, please be patient. Or I will beat you.

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Ok, feeling better, my eyeball has stopped aching, unless I look hard to the left. I think I am gonna lay off the sunglasses for a while, just keep the regular specs on. Got up this morning, went to the Hilton (see pics below) and then came home, slept from 10am-2pm, walked the dog, and now am wasting my life on the nerd box.

Speaking of wasting one's life, you can check out the Top 10 Gadgets for 2005. Sitting atop number one is the Sony PSP, which I think is cool even though I still have yet to conquer Mario Brothers One. But I rule at Duck Hunt.

And from the "Crawling out from the stone cave, eating lice" evolution file comes this story:

US court bans juvenile executions
"The US Supreme Court has abolished the death penalty for those who commit murder when under the age of 18. The court was divided on the issue, but voted 5-4 that the death penalty for criminals aged 16 and 17 should be declared unconstitutional. The decision affects not only those convicted in future, but about 70 prisoners already on death row for offences committed before they were 18." BBC

I remember in one of my Education classes I came across a stat indicating that the average IQ of a death row inmate was somewhere between an apple and an orange. Couple that with the fact that most 16 & 17 year olds are remarkably dumb when it comes to long term planning (I know I was), and I end up amazed that this vote was 5-4. Look I am by no means saying these kids, and they are kids, should be off the hook if they commit some brutal crime, but it is about time the US admitted that one brush cannot possibly paint everyone with the same color.

And from the "Public Officials are Morons" (except for ex-mayors of Beaumont) file comes this story, which you will all go and read before returning to my awesome page.

Ok ok, let's get past the obvious, that talking to Grade 4 kids about boozing is in rather poor taste, especially for a mayor. I want to focus on two comments/issues this story made mention of.

#1: Who the hell lists 'drinking' as a hobby? Sure most of us do it, but does that qualify as a 'hobby?' I think of hobbies and I think of playing old geezer hockey, playing a musical instrument, or hell, even scrapbooking (Love ya Meg! Down with "Michael's"). I mean, aren't hobbies supposed to be a 'personal growth' kinda thing? I enjoy going out for beers with my buddies, but when I drink too much and end up defacing a fireman's memorial, waking up in the drunk tank being held by Bubba, I sure don't post bail and say to myself: "Well that was a hell of a hobby night."

#2: I love it when he compares himself to Abe Lincoln. Just a little arrogant, don't ya think? Good for him, getting elected to be the mayor of a major city (with massive organized crime ties, but let's not go there) , but it is a far cry from being one of most influential presidents of the USA. Back off the self-confidence gin martini's there. Hey.....wait a second....booze + audience + increased arrogance= stupid comments. I wonder if he even remembers this book reading?

On the international US-hypocrisy front, please read the following.....

George Bush yesterday added his voice to a joint statement made in London on Tuesday by his secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, and the French foreign minister, Michel Barnier, calling for withdrawal of the troops who have been in Lebanon since 1976. "Both of them stood up and said loud and clear to Syria, 'You get your troops and your secret services out of Lebanon so that good democracy has a chance to flourish,'" President Bush said, adding that the world "is speaking with one voice when it comes to making sure that democracy has a chance to flourish in Lebanon." Guardian International

With a little Author-editing, it could easily say the same thing about Iraq. "You get your troops and your secret services out of Iraq...." Of course, that would be stupid, as then there would be no one there to protect all those Halliburton employees.

Oh and US troop deaths in Iraq just crossed the 1, 500 mark. No word from the White House as to how many Iraqis have perished.....

Jay Interlude: Ok, lots of blah-blahing, I am sure that you are wanting to hear more about me. Everyone wants to hear more about me, all the time. I am really in need of a good 'letting off some steam' beer night. I dunno why, I was just out walking the dog when I thought to myself, "You know, self, if there was a liquor-serving bar here, I think I would get blindingly drunk tonight." I'm not looking to start a hobby or nothing, but it has been a while since I had a good drunkening. So that was what I was thinking about today. Now back to regular programming...

Queen to rock legends: Who are you?
Queen Elizabeth II met four of Britain's most famous guitarists Tuesday, asking them: "And what do you do?"
Queen's Brian May, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck were all guests at a Buckingham Palace party to honor the British music industry. "It's great to meet her and it doesn't matter at all that she did not know who we are or what we do," Clapton said. "I wouldn't expect her to." CNN

I fucking hate the royal family. How can you be so ignorant? No scratch that, I doubt there are many grandmas out there that would know who Jeff Beck is. But how can you be so rude, so arrogant, so as to not to have at least some vague idea of what your guests do for a living. I mean, if they are getting invited to an event that honors the British Music Industry, with the Queen (ooh la-la), they must have done something notable, right? I mean, we wouldn't want the Queen (ooh-la-la) having to meet regualr gutterfolks, now would we? So take 5 minutes out of your aimless, purposeless life and send a servant to do some google-research. Write it on your withered old hand if need to. Something.

And what the hell Clapton? "I wouldn't expect her to (know what we do for a living)." Grow some balls and call a spade a spade. If I was a world-reknowned guitar hero, I sure as hell would expect everyone to know who I was. Oh, right, but it's the royal family we're dealing with here, they're special. They sure are. Small school bus special.

Man, I hate the royal family.

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Hilton pool.

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Hilton "chalets." Yea, like I'm in France or something....

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Hilton beach

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Cute eh? Scroll down to find out why she's not.

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"Oh, so that's what the inside of a sleeping bag looks like. Thanks Monday. Off to the pound with you...."

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

From the San Francisco Chronicle....

"The No Child Left Behind Act approved by Congress in 2001 requires school districts to provide military recruiters with the same access to high schools given to college or job recruiters. Under the current law, parents must tell school officials they don't want their child contacted by the military, at school or home. Otherwise, schools are required to turn over students' names, addresses and phone numbers to Pentagon recruiters."

My right eye, the actual eyeball, hurts.....

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Cash is an original. He looks rather bored by it all....

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We as a society worship and reward guys who can hit a baseball 400 feet, ignoring and underfunding those who struggle to find a cure for cancer. And yet, most of us are appalled by the following story. Perhaps we need a large societal mirror and a course in hypocrisy....

Little League mother guilty of assault
By Scott Goldstein, Globe Correspondent---March 2, 2005

A Wakefield Little League mother was ordered to watch a sportsmanship video and write an essay about it after she was found guilty yesterday of assaulting an 11-year-old boy who was cheering the opposing team at her son's game nearly two years ago, according to the Middlesex district attorney's office.

Valerie Yianacopolus, 41, was sentenced to one year of probation, including 50 hours of community service, an anger management program, the video assignment, and an order to stay away from the victim, according to Emily LaGrassa, spokeswoman for the district attorney's office. The case stems from a May 2003 game at which Yianacopolus, a mother of two who had served as the secretary and as a coach in the league, jumped into a fight between her son and another boy.

.....The assault became a symbol of what many see as an overly intense youth sports culture driven by out-of-control parents.....Yianacopolus's lawyer, Thomas V. Orlandi, could not be reached for comment last night, but he and Yianacopolus had maintained her innocence in previous interviews.....Orlandi also represented Thomas F. Junta, a Reading man convicted of manslaughter in 2002 for beating another father to death at their sons' hockey practice. Witnesses of the Little League fight offered differing accounts at the time.... Some said Yianacopolus swore at the boy and kicked him as her son, also 11 at the time, attacked him. Cy Bode, who was coaching the opposing team that day and is now league president, said he did not see Yianacopolus kick the boy, ''but any type of behavior that brings about so much distress was inappropriate, and it shouldn't have happened.".....''I think almost all of youth sports over the last few years has been made aware of the need to take appropriate action as soon as possible," he said. ''I don't understand it. These are kids. They're very young,and they don't need to see these things."

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OK, got my flow back. Red Bull is the shit. I think my earlobes are jump jivin.....

First read this story. It is short, so don't bellyache about it. I said SHUT IT! Sorry, end of the week flashback there. Read it here and then come on back for my commentary.

What a tremendous waste of time and money. Instead of using their brains and financials to help cure polio, these idiots are going to send meaningless messages into space, where they will never be heard again. I am going to go flush money down the toilet, simply because I can. Morons.

And what if, just say, an alien race hears and understands our meaningless babble? Obviously this is never going to happen, as humanity is the peak of creation, myself being the pinnacle, but just for shits 'n' giggles, imagine.

"For sale. One phenomenally damaged toaster. One slot fully functional when set on 'charcoal', other slot emits useful sparks that can help start gas stoves. Cord badly damaged, extremely hot to the touch. Otherwise fine. $20 or best offer."


"1985 Chevy Blazer for sale. Requires separate owners manual re: starting procedures in both hot and cold weather. Gas mileage is (unintelligible). Rear gate does not stay open and mysterious fluids appear and then disappear under the engine block, creating massive environmental damage. Front left side panel somewhat damaged from girlfriend's erratic driving, exposing large patches of rust. Electrical system is surely on its last legs. Deer resistant front bumpers. Do NOT recommend driving anywhere beyond city limits. New buyer must sign legal waiver. Stereo good. $1027 Cdn or best offer."

Oh I am reeeeaaaal sure that aliens will come a flocking, billfolds open, to buy our useless junk. But hey, let's somehow consider this company newsworthy and call it a day. What a god-damn waste of time. No wonder we are driving ourselves towards extinction.

Thanks to Jeff, who provided the following links. Truly a fine choice for my best man.*

Do you need a laugh? Do you need a drink? I do, especially the drink part, which really has nothing to do with this next link. But check out for some quick-download, super funny short videos. I like the snowy road car crash one. That's cause I'm a jerk who laughs at other peoples misfortunes.

And lastly, read possibly the best example of why you should not write an essay while drunk/high/recent graduate of public schooling. This is apparently an actual essay that was submitted and marked. Comedy.

Ok, I'll post more later. Bye for now.

*Only cause I couldn't choose myself. That woulda been the most obvious choice, as I really am the best at everything.

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"When someone sees the same people everyday....they wind up become a part of that person's life. And then they want that person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own." (Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist)

Just starting to lay the groundwork for my return to Canada in June.

Dang, for a three day week, it seemed awful long. I got DT duty at the end of the day today (Wed) which meant that I had to stick around from 230-330pm and babysit 19 badasses. I am not going to get into the details, but suffice to say that if this is the future of Kuwait, well, don't buy any Kuwaiti stock, no matter what your broker says. Unbelievable, you cannot imagine. Storytime when I get back.

Not a lot of news on the ole Amir front, so the wait continues....

Tomorrow I am going to the Hilton and laying on the beach, swimming in the pool, and then soaking in the hot tub. Today was about 24 degrees, so I gotta get out there before the temperature doubles.

I don't have too much to say, the brain is fried real nice. I will try to post something later on today, so check back. Now go have that morning coffee.

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Ok, in response to Jeff's post re: Deniro and/or Pacino as the next Eastwood, I offer this:

#1. Why the hell is Jeff the only one that ever posts comments? (Lindsay, Mom, Dad, and Cross are off the hook on this somewhat) The rest of you gotta show me some love. I promise I won't rip you, unless you say something that is totally idiotic. This site is like a family, and families need to communicate. Or the dad of the family (me) gets mad and beats his disobedient children with a pipe wrench. Ok? OKAY????

#2. Pacino is a definate possiblility, but definately not Deniro (DeNiro? Aw who fuckin cares anyway). Why not Deniro? Cause he did a couple of weak movies like that counseling one with Billy Crystal, where he cried. Like a girl. And I think he did some other lame one (Showtime perhaps) with Eddie Murphy, who hasn't been funny since Buckwheat ("Buh-weet!") on SNL. So Deniro is out, altho he could come back if he sticks to a good plan like Ronin, which was awesome.

Pacino. Yes, definate potential. Scarface obviously (to most people, not me cause I'm chicken). Godfather (kinda) but it was getting tired by #3. But definately because of the misnamed Scent of a Woman where he played a bitter, blind old army guy who drank too much. Then he took wimpy Chris O'Donnell (who has since gone into hiding) to NY for a weekend. During this weekend, Pacino got drunk, danced the tango with a beautiful woman (few guys can dance and be cool, but he is one of 'em), and made love to another beautiful woman in the back of a limo. Oh yeah, and he also test drove a Ferrari all over NY. BLIND! And the talked his way out of a ticket/jail time. Fooled the ole 5-0. Then he did that football movie, which was ok, but had a lot of huge ass hits in it, which made me want to tackle Al into a brick wall. So yeah, Pacino is a definate contender, altho he doesn't have it sewn up yet, as Clint is still far and away the best "Clint" out there.

Keep 'em coming and remember my loving, fatherly threats to beat you half to death if you don't participate in the dinnertime discussions that make this website wholesome.

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Hey just a note to say that my site is awesome. Why is this news? It shouldn't be to faithful readers, but if you happen to visit Matt Good's website, you will note that my blog is provided as a link. On the left, about #30 on the list. Nothing extraordinary, but I take what I can get. His commentary is really insightful and always updated, so its a perfect site to waste the day getting informed about world politics. Thanks Matt.

PS- If Matt is BIRDMAN, he still needs a new nickname. Ok, enough name dropping, I am off to find something else that pisses me off.

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Artist: Toby Keith, Lyrics for Song: Honky Tonk U, Dedicated to: Clayton M.
(Author's 'shooting-fish-in-a-barrel' comments in brackets)

My grandmother owned a night club (Stayed open until Matlock was on!)
On the Arkansas-Oklahoma line
Mama put me on a Greyhound (One way, smart lady)
And I went to stay with her in the summertime (Who is "her?" Your grandma? Unclear!)
I'd box up those empty long-necks
And stack 'em in the back and make a ham (What? How did we get from stacking empties to making ham? Are you hating on Muslims?)
Then at night she'd let me sneak out
Of the kitchen and let me sit in with the band (Yea, you would be in the kitchen, eh cupcake?)
Yes, I have sacks and quarterbacks (Alternate: I've been in the sack with many quarterbacks)
And broke my share of bones along the way (Substitute 'beds' for 'bones', see previous alternate line)
I knew it wouldn't last forever (Viagra from your Dr. will help)
Semi-pro always means semi-payed (Or semi-talented. Washed up if you will)
I started climbing drilling rigs
I'm oil field trash and proud as I can be, yeah (YEAH!)
Then I took my songs and guitar
And sang 'em for a man from Tennessee (He asked me to leave and never return)
I've played every beer joint tavern
From New York City out to Pasadena (I lie, never left Oklahoma)
Every corn dog fair and rodeo (Ro-DAY-oh)
And sold out every basketball arena (Sell out, you used to be cool!)
Like to get down with my boys (Too easy)
In Afghanistan and Baghdad City too (I love you Bush, thanks for that upper-income tax break!)
I am a red, white and blue blood (Real blue bloods sobbing quietly)
Graduate of Honky Tonk U (What? Is this like DeVry?)
A star can't burn forever (God, I hope ours goes supernova before this song ends...)
And the brightest ones will someday lose their shine (Can you actualy shine shit?)
But the glass won't ever be
Half empty in my optimistic mind (Read: Black and White Republican mind)
I'll still have a song to sing (And the Author has vomit to discharge)
And a band to turn it up and play it loud (Cause we rock. Yea, we do! No, seriously!)
As long as there's a bar room
With a corner stage and a honky tonk crowd (Read: Mouth breathing inbreds)
I've played every beer joint tavern
From New York City out to Pasadena
Every corn dog fair and rodeo ("Ever been kicked in the head?"~ Jeff)
And sold out every basketball arena (Jr. High Basketball arenas, much truancy)
I like to get down with my boys (This won't fly in Washington, much less Alabama)
In Afghanistan and Baghdad City too (Lips firmly on Bush's ass, hand on crotch)
Son, I'm a red, white and blue blood (God if you were my son I would bash your head with a rock and start over)
Graduate of Honky Tonk U (Pending final appeal on grade in Pig Shit remedial 101)

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Well scroll down a bit and see what the BIRDMAN has to say about my anti-Keanu rant. I dunno who this BIRDMAN is, but his nickname is stupid, like some one-hit wonder bad guy from the old Spiderman cartoons. Why not call yourself "Donkeyman" or "Swanboy?" Whatever, at least he was literate, which is more than I can say for some of you. (Jeff, who is reading with his finger)

So rumour mill has it that the Amir died. The Amir is the highest ranking royal family member in Kuwait and effectively has a veto over any laws etc that the country passes. He is (was?) the big cheese. But if the mill is true, then that means that we get another week off of school to mourn the loss. I dunno if it is true or not, and I will keep you posted if I hear any more.

I am reading the Kuwait paper today and two things need to be commented on. #1 is that there is a big push on here to give women the right to vote. Yep, in Kuwait, women have no political rights, cannot run for office, etc etc. Whether this inflames you or not is beside the point, as this is my blog and the only opinion that matters is mine, arrogant ass that I am. Anyway, what struck me is that the newspaper, for the past 2 weeks, and conceivably until there is a vote in 2007, has been dedicating a quarter of it's front page to promote the female vote. I find this interesting because it really highlights the amount of control that is enforced on the press here. I still get the NY Times, which is above overt censorship for the most part, but the Kuwait press is still very controlled. It is out and out propaganda, and that isn't something you see all the time. Food for thought....

#2 thing I read in the paper is that some live-in caretaker, or nanny, gave all of her 20KD per month salary to the tsunami relief fund here in Kuwait. Noble, yes, absolutely. Do you know how much 20KD is? Just a shade over $80 Cdn. I knew that the maids/nannies her get paid like garbage, it is common knowledge and I have gotten past the sickening irony that allows a family to have top end Mercedes and Beemers in the mansion's garage, yet only pay their hired help $80Cdn a month. I got past that, realizing that my values (obviously) are much different. But what struck me as odd was that this story appeared on page 2, fairly prominently. Is it so entrenched, this system of pseudo-slavery, that no one blinks an eye at the staggeringly low wages that the immigrants are paid? Does no one look at this number, 20KD, spelled out in black and white, and wonder if perhaps they could offer a little more in the way of finances?

To give a contrasting example, I know of many teachers who tutor on the side, earning upwards of 15KD an hour ($60 CDN/hr) for their services. Often they could get more, and some probably do. So it is not a society-wide reluctance to pay ex-pats poorly; instead it seems based on the color of one's skin and the demand for one's services. Indian maids here are a dime a dozen, but westerners with a grasp of the schooling system are more rare. Supply and demand, I know, but it still doesn't sit right with me somehow. I can find some kid to tutor, and in a manner of two hours, earn the equivalent of the maid's salary for that month. I cannot change the system, but I surely do not have to like it.

And on a lighter note, the "Tom Waits" of movies, Clint Eastwood cleaned up the other night at the Oscars, which I am sure many of you watched, flushing 3+ hours of your life down the toilet. Anyway, good for Clint, he's been kicking ass for a while now and it doesn't look like there is anyone else coming along to fill in his shoes. Mel Gibson was looking like the man with Lethal Weapon 1 & 2 but then they ran that franchise into the ground and he went all far-right religious on us. Christopher Walken might still have a chance to be the next Clint, but everyone is too afraid to call him and suggest it, cause he's so god-damn scary. So yea, unless Walken steps into the Clint Eastwood man-shoes, no one else is going to take his place.

C'mon who could do it? Vin Diesel? That guy is out and out poser. Look did Clint ever have to have huge muscles or tattoos to make himself tough? No. He could kill you with his gun, which is a way better way of establishing your coolness than spending hours at the gym and getting your chest waxed, like Diesel. Plus, Clint didn't have to name himself after an engine to appear manly. Who else? Ben Affleck you say? Please son, that guy got dumped by J-Lo because he spent more time looking at his own booty than she did looking at hers. Bruce Willis might have a shot, except that his name is Bruce, instantly disqualifying him from anything long-term manly. So it appears that 74 year old Eastwood is still the reigning man in Hollywood. Any other suggestions, I am listening.....

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Monday, February 28, 2005

Uptown Girl
By: Billy Joel, dedicated to Cadrin, with editorial comments (in brackets) by the Author.

Uptown girl (be more specific please. Address, location, something)
She's been living in her uptown world
I bet she never had a back street guy (Is this like a Backstreet Boy?Hmmm)
I bet her mama never told her why (She probably did and thats why she's avoiding you)
I'm gonna try for an uptown girl (Yeah, reach for the stars!)
She's been living in her white bread world (Obvious racial overtones here)
As long as anyone with hot blood can
And now she's looking for a downtown man (I thought you were a back street guy?)
That's what I am (What? Make up your god-damn mind!)
And when she knows what
She wants from her time (Vague lines, filler)
And when she wakes up
And makes up her mind
She'll see I'm not so tough (Obviously not, poem boy)
Just because I'm in love with an uptown girl
You know I've seen her in her uptown world (Stalker)
She's getting tired of her high class toys (Like running water and soap, you dirty scuzzbucket)
And all her presents from her uptown boys (Oh, been checking out the uptown boys too, eh?)
She's got a choice (Seems like an easy one to me)
Uptown girl (I get it, she's from the Uptown, enough already)
You know I can't afford to buy her pearls (Yeah, she'll think you're great. Cheap ass)
But maybe someday when my ship comes in (What, are you a sailor now? "In the Navy....")
She'll understand what kind of guy I've been (Or what kind of guys you've been with. Burn)
And then I'll win (a stint in prison, you nutjob)
And when she's walking
She's looking so fine (Stalker part 2)
And when she's talking
She'll say that she's mine (Obviously drunk, imagining things that will never be)
She'll say I'm not so tough (Poem boy, we get it. You're weak as a kitten)
Just because I'm in love
With an uptown girl
She's been living in her white bread world (Lay off the racism. Chris Rock is black and funny)
As long as anyone with hot blood can ("Hot blooded, check it and see, I got a fever of a 103")
And now she's looking for a downtown man (Downtown-on-a-street-corner man, I'd bet)
That's what I am (The truth comes out! Sort of)
Uptown girl
She's my uptown girl
You know I'm in love (Obviously, you've been stalking here for the whole damn song)
With an uptown girl (Repetitive)
My uptown girl (Repetitive)
Don't you know I'm in love (Repetitive)
With an uptown girl (Repetitive)
My uptown girl (Repetitive)
Don't you know I'm in love (Repetitive)
With an uptown girl (Repetitive)
My uptown girl (Repetitive)

Man, that was fun, send me some more lame-ass song suggestions for me to rip on.

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Why Keanu Reeves is worse than Satan.

I think Keanu Reeves is the worst actor to ever live. Worse than anyone, and that includes John Stamos. Why does Keanu suck so much? Why do people keep putting his "I'm am confused permanently" face in movies? Let's take a look back in time and try to pinpoint where it all went wrong for Keanu....

#1> Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. - Nope not here. Here he was playing to his strength, acting like a stoned loser who failed shoelace tying in kindergarten. Probably not a great movie, I can't really remember, but at least he didn't have to stretch to seem credible.

#2> Point Break.- Yep, this is where he started to suck hard. Let's do a diagnosis of this movie. Firstly, his name in the movie was Johhny Utah. What the fuck kinda name is Johnny Utah? It sounds like a Mormonized version of the Marbolo man, except with less balls. He supposedly was a great NCAA quarterback who blew his kneee out in some big game. I think Joe Montana should have got some money from the obvious character/name plagarism they did here.

Secondly, Keanu was a FBI agent. I hope to god the FBI doesn't hire idiots like this. He went deep undercover (oooh original) to infiltrate a gang of bank robbers, led by Patrick "I was never as cool as when I was in Roadhouse" Swayze. (Aside- Roadhouse rules, its on TBS all the time and all Swayze does is beat the crap out of guys bigger than him in various bar fight scenes. Extra points for having Jeff Healy in the movie too.) Anyway, Keanu is hanging with these robbers, trying to get some 'dirt' on them and predictably he gets sucked in, tempted by their surf-all-day lifestyle. Then they find out he's a G-man, and they try to kill him by making him jump out of a plane with no parachute. He does (cause he's too dumb to wait for the plane to land) and catches Swayze in the air. Lots of "man talk" ensues:

"You pull the cord!"
"No you pull the cord!"
"I'm not afraid to die!"
"Neither am I. So the cord remains unpulled them, huh?"

And so forth until they actually hit the ground. So lets recap, they fall out of a plane and hit the ground without pulling the cord. They survive, probably because they landed on Keanu's head. Predictably, "Johnny Utah's" knee hurts, so he bitches out and can't chase Swayze, who mocks Utah like the sissy he is. Then they find each other again in Australia, where Swayze is to catch the 'wave of the century.' Small talk ensues, and Keanu lets Swayze go surf, where he predictably dies, thus ending the movie.

Keanu sucks in this because we had to wait all the way to the end of the movie to find out that he doesn't catch the bad guy. Why the hell didn't he just arrest him in the first half of the movie, when they were all buddy-buddy and hanging with each other? I'll tell you why. Cause Keanu's a moron.

I stopped watching Keanu movies after Point Break because I realized that he sucked. I was tricked into watching The Matrix which manged to be ok, despite Keanu's donkey acting skills. I still have yet to see the other two Matrix movies, but I hear that they turn into a love story ( i.e. they begin to suck) and Trinity dies. So I know how they end, and now you do too. Ha ha.

As another aside, I have a hard time knowing who Patrick Swayze is and who Kurt Russell is. They both look the same. But Kurt Russell wasn't in Roadhouse, so he sucks.

Now Keanu is in some new movie called Constantine, where he apparently is some go-between for the Devil and this world. It sounds terrible, but I suppose Keanu gets to looks sad/confused/frustrated so he'll be within his limits as an actor. Don't go see it. I haven't seen it and never will, because I would rather put my face in a blender. If you do see it, please put a comment on the blog, telling us how it was. I will not mock you, I swear.*

Keanu was also in some band with a terrible name that I can't remember. Dog-something. Dog's Breakfast probably. As in, "Hey Keanu, your bass playing looks like the dog's breakfast." I hate Hollywood guys who suck at acting and then try to play music. Here is a hint: Practice your acting. Or your music. Pick one, they both need work. But don't ruin two genres of entertainment with your ineptitude.

I can just see Keanu, after "rocking out" on some one-line bass solo, looking up at the crowd and going "Whoa." And then some awesome guy in the crowd would throw a tape of Roadhouse at Keanu and Patrick Swayze's tough-ass movie would blind Keanu with the sharp corner of the tapebox. And then Keanu would be flipping burgers at DQ because his disfigurement makes him a Hollywood no-go. And then VH1 would do a "Where are they now?" show about Keanu and they would find him in a shitty trailer park, eating cheese. And finally he would go on some ass-awful reality show with Gary Coleman and A.L.F. and it would be canned after the producers realized they were actually suffering physical pain (like gallstones, only with cannonballs) by watching Keanu stumble blindly around the set, pleading with A.L.F. not to eat his cat, Johnny Utah Jr. And that is why Keanu Reeves is worse than Satan.

*I am lying, I will mock you. Mercilessly.

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"Even my mom says I suck."

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"What category do I fall under? I've never fallen under a category. I fell underneath a car once, and I haven't been the same since."~ Tom Waits

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Well another day passed by, the countdown continues. Tomorrow is March 1, and for that, I am happy. Seems that March is a big psychological step forward from February, a winter to spring kinda thing. My March is packed full of stuff, no more drag out long weekends, so I am hoping that it cruises by quickly and painlessly. 3. 5 months to go, and only 44 more days until I take off to see Meg for my April break. Little goals little goals...

So it looks like Cadrin made it to the Land Down Under. Dammit, it even sounds like everything is going according to plan. I miss the misadventures and chaos of his South Africa journey. Where is the malaria, the muggings, the out and out robberies? I tell ya, that guy is getting soft in his old age, going to a fully developed country and all. What a sissy. Just kidding Cadrin, you aren't old yet, altho you've always been a sissy. Man, I am a jerk.

Not too much to report, except that my U-18 men's B ball team would have their asses handed to them by the last team I coached, the Sherwood Heights Jr. Boys. All NBA stars here, with the fancy dribbling and the improbable shots that bounce over the fence. I would try to teach them fundamentals, but they only wanna practice once a week, so I'll concentrate on maybe improving on their 0-6 record from last year. Oh well, no matter how the season goes, I'm pretty sure I can't make their record any worse.

I read that Halle Berry, (sp?) the actress, showed up at the Razzies awards to collect the worst actress award for Catwoman. I hate Hollywood, but good on her for having a sense of humour about life. She still is a Hollywood clod, but slightly up the ladder from ole Keanu, whose acting doesn't seem to ever vary from the standard "I am a pylon" strategy. "Whoa..."

I was trying to imagine what Bush and Putin talked about during their recent chat. I figure it went something like this:

Bush: Hey Vlad, listen hows that Chec...Cheechnial....Uh....Cheerios, No wait, dammit......Checkers? No. Hmmm. You know, that civil war dealy you got happening, in Chocholia, hows that working for ya?

Putin: (Exasperated) Chechnya, George, Chechnya. Eh, it's all right, lotta time spent bombing rubble, but sooner or later we'll be done there. Probably later.

Bush: Yea yea, Chermekistan, thats what I meant. You know, other people tell me that we should be pissed at you about that, kinda unethical, whatever the hell that means.

Putin: Yea, speaking about unethical, this Iraq thing, kinda turning into a poop show for you Yanks, eh?

Bush: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Firstly, I'm from Texas, no Yankee blood in me. Secondly, uh, uh, well you know terrorism and junk.

Putin: (throwing back his second shot of extra-proof vodka, fulfilling a stereotype) Yea, well we just agreed to sell some nuclear info to Iran, but its just business, ya know?

Bush: Whatever. Canada is next on my list, fuckin eskimos up there won't sign on to our missile shield thingy.

Putin: That thing is pretty much window dressing though, hey?

Bush: Yea, but I got stock in Lockheed Martin.

Putin: So seriously, whats the deal with North Korea? You guys gonna shit or get off the pot with them?

Bush: (scratching himself, monkey style) Probably.

Putin: (more vodka) Sigh. Look, I don't want you guys nosing in our business with Ukraine and the rest of our ex-states, ya got that?

Bush: Look, we just gotta make some noise now and then, nothing serious, we just got this need to be in the spotlight. Hey, how is that democracy thing working for you? I heard somewhere that you cracked down on free speech. That true? You still keeping it real free-vote style?

Putin: No. But you ripped off the 2000 election, so shut it about democracy, a'ight?

Bush: Word. I did do that, what a scam.

Putin: No shit. We had a good chuckle over that one. Uh, hey listen, can you help me out a bit, something kinda private. You keep it on the downlo?

Bush: Vlad Vlad Vlad, you know me. I'm a good guy, I always keep my word.

Putin: (deciding to trust Bush anyway) Anna Kournikova. You know her?

Bush: (Beavis and Butthead) Huh huh, yea, huh. Oh I know her, got me six calendars in the presidential washroom. She's got it going on.

Putin: You have your own washroom? All I got is a fucking bucket! Anyway, look, she's the best thing since the Kalashnikov machine gun, but she's gone all American on us. We need her back, now all our men have to look at is our topless newscasters.

Bush: (speaking quietly, so the Christian Right doesn't hear him) What, uh, what channel? (Condi Rice walks in, looking unloved and pissed about it as usual) Oh I mean, YES, the nukes are a real issue. Look, I'll stop funding anti-Castro regiments if you scale back your nuclear plans, hows that sound.

Putin: What? What the hell are you talking about? (Says something in Russian to his aide, who laughs and points at Bush's face. Bush laughs because he doesn't know what the hell is going on) I though we were talking about Anna? Anyway, no deal with the nukes, but yea, fuck, lay off of Castro, it's just embarassing how he keeps slapping you around. So back off him, he's old.

Bush: Your right. Look do whatever the hell you want with the nukes, just don't sell em to China all right? Deal?

Putin: No deal.

Bush: Great, look it's been a blast but I gotta go yell at Tony Blair again, he's been such a wanker lately. Like that word, "wanker"? Tony called you that the other..... oh uh, I gotta go. (Runs away, heels kicking him in the bum)

Condi: You see now why Colin quit?

Putin: Yea, what a wanker.

And that wraps up another aimless blog. Someone forward this to Royal Canadian Air Farce.

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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Ugh. I haven't felt this feminine since that night in Vancouver. I've said too much already...

Ok so last night I go over to a fellow teacher's (who will remain nameless to hide their shame) place to watch a movie. Get there, all is going well, until the movie starts playing. "Mona Lisa Smile" with Julia Roberts, Kirsten Dunst(ski), and Julia Stiles. My chick-flick alert was on bright red, but it was too late, I had already scored a good seat and really wasn't ready to go home to bed yet.

Man I thought I had seen some bad movies in my days, but this one was pretty close to topping them all. The main character "Miss Watson" is an art history teacher at a girls finishing school in the early 1950s. So everything is all prim and proper, all perfect on the outside. But then the plot twist comes! I guess our dear Miss Watson is a little too 'unorthodox' for the school, thus pitting her in a battle against "The Man," who is really the female dean who just resembles a man, in a fight for freedom to teach meaningful things. Wow, I am on the edge of my seat here, not to mention my sanity.

Dunst(ski) is a raging bitch, who thinks nothing matters in life but gettng married to the right guy. She does, and lo and behold, another plot twist sneaks up on me like a narcoleptic turtle. Her husband is cheating on her! OH MY GOD! She tries to get over it and keep up with the Jones's, but in the end she (GASP!) files for divorce, sticking it to her mom, who is what Dunst(ski) would have become if not for Miss Watson. Good for her, I am happy. And by happy I mean suicidal.

There are numerous other "plots" in this movie that just kinda cruise along filling time. One girl falls in love with possibly the hugest dork I have ever seen, only to find out via Dunst(ski) that he is seeing someone else. Or is he? The suspense is killing me! (God I hope it does). Then Julia Stiles, sporting possibly the worst upper northeastern US accent I have ever heard (kind of a cross between Mayor Quimby and that lady who used to be on that sitcom "The Nanny") has a chance to go to Yale law school, but despite Miss Watson's burning desire for her to do so, gets married to Eric from "That 70s Show." I have since lost all respect for him, as he apparently has no manhood, appearing in a movie like this.

And all the while, Miss Watson cannot decide why men suck, as she breaks off two engagements. She becomes very close to all the girls who end up riding bicycles after her as her taxi takes her away at the end of the school year. I am secretly hoping Dunst(ski) falls off the bike and mashes her face, causing a Tour de France pile up, just for some kind of action, but to no avail. Miss Watson sticks it to the Man-Woman Dean, and doesn't return next year, going off to Europe to study, you guessed it, art.

Worst. Movie. Ever.* No guns, no car chases, no men with any resemblance to men, a lot of talking about feelings, and basically just 2 hours of girls stabbing each other in the back. This movie may have been possibly tolerable if:

A) Jeff and Megan and I were watching it, because then Jeff and I could have made awesome jokes about women "knowing their place" and "That pie ain't baking itself, Megan!" That woulda been rad.


B) Had I been enormously drunk and passed out during the opening credits.

Alternate titles for Mona Lisa Smile:
1. Mona Lisa Sucks
2. Mona Lisa Stole Two hours of my life I'll never get back
3. Mona Lisa, Men are Pigs!

In the end, this rates well below the greatest movie of all time, Speed 2. (PS- Sandra Bullock, call me!) It had a weak plot, lame acting, and really just reinforced the Americana lifestyle that is nothing more than a facade. Guys, don't rent it, don't get trapped watching it. Go change the oil in your car, or beat up a homeless person, anything to save yourself from 2 hours of leg-waxing pain that comes with watching this horrible movie. Man I hate Hollywood.

*Excluding all movies with Keanu Reeves.

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